Oh grow up!!

I am quite upset right now. My beloved Thing One was the victim of a
virus. Now I must replace a hard drive that was barely a year old. I
fail to understand why anyone sends an anonymous individual something
so devastating. I am in the process of job hunting and fortunately I
had all my files back up. But now I have to locate another hard drive
and go thru the whole process of getting everything set up the way I
had it... again.

I wish someone could explain to me what the hackers get out of
destroying someone else's property. I'm not some huge international
conglomerate bent on the destruction of the free world. You don't know
me and I certainly never did anything to you. I worked hard to earn the
money to buy Thing One and now because of someone's twisted sense of
humor it is rendered useless.

This is sure sign of someone who has way too much time on their hands.
If you have that kind of talent why not use it to do something that
will benefit others? It's time to leave your mama's basement, get a job
and get a life!

The New Spinster-Men over 40

I used to worry that at 41 I still have not had a serious relationship
that has led to anything. And of course my biological clock is striking
like Big Ben. But it seems I'm not the only one with this concern
looming in the horizon. After speaking with a few of my male friends,
I've found they have the same concerns. In this ever changing social
world, men are now worried about marriage and family.

One dear friend, who is now 49 wants a family so desperately that he is
even considering marrying a woman who is all wrong for him. He has
given up on trying to find someone who will appreciate the person that
he is because he feels time is running out and he doesn't want to grow
old alone. Another friend of 43 wants to marry again but has not yet
found a woman who is ready to settle down. So what is a guy to do?

Through my online friendships I'm finding there are lots of guys out
there still looking for the right one in their late 30's to early 40's.
Lots of really good men who are genuinely ready for a committed
relationship. What's the hold up? They tell me they are finding women
who still want to play games, or are just looking for a sugar daddy.
Although I'm sure many of them wouldn't mind their wife staying home,
they should feel pressured to do so. I've also noticed women are still
pursuing the guys who aren't ready for marriage. They think they can
"make" him be ready. Gimme a break!

So ladies, here's a heads up. Stop looking at the bad boy who likes to
flirt with other women while you're standing there. Give a break to the
guy who is wants to take you out to lunch, just because it's Wednesday.

My reliance on technology

I have become a computer junkie. But now my reliance on technology has
become my undoing. My dear Apple computer, Thing One is coming down
with senility. It is 9 years old and I replaced the 8 year old hard
drive last December. He has been a loyal companion. OK, I'm not dating
so yes he is a loyal companion. he has helped to connect me to dozens
of people around the world that I might not have otherwise met. He
brings the universe into my room without me stepping out the door.

I am thrilled to get email in much the same way as when I was a kid
getting regular mail from the mailbox. I love the special offers I get
from all the newsletters I have signed up for. And most of all I love
the silly jokes my cousin sends me en masse. So what will I do if Thing
One is beyond repair? Yes, I have my laptop, Thing Two but it's just
not the same.

I've been in denial for some time. I know Thing One has gone above and
beyond the call and it's time to get something newer and faster. I just
can't bear to put Thing One out to pasture.

Not enough hours in the day

I swear if there were 36 hours in a day I still couldn't get everything done.
I'm so behind on my blog entries. Too often I get behind and spend days
trying to get caught up. Thing One, my desktop has been down for a
week and is quirky will I try to reinstall all my programs. I've almost
lost my email files which are vital while I'm doing my job hunt. To top
it off I was very ill from Thursday until Saturday to the point I was
afraid I would have to go to the emergency room.

But now I'm back on my feet and going to get it all together. Hope you
will like the entries to come. I have been gathering a ton of topics to
write about. Ciao!

I like me just the way I am

Growing up I was an ugly duckling. I was bone thin and had a face full of pimples, wearing heavy glasses with buck teeth. I'm still working on becoming a swan. I'll even admit to consulting a plastic surgeon, in my 20's because I didn't like the shape of my lips. He was very honest and didn't give into my whim. Now most people consider my lips to be my best feature. My weight has fluctuated over the years but I know if I'd get off my lazy bum and exercise I could be in great shape.

But it amazes me how many people these days seek the easy way out. As you turn the channel you find someone undergoing a serious surgery to suck something out or plump something up. To me it is disturbing to see teenagers who haven't yet finished developing wanting surgery to look like their favorite pop idol. And their parents actually pay for this! What are they teaching these kids? That you can't be accepted as you are so you're better off looking like someone else. Whatever happened to that face that mama loves?

It's a sad state of affairs that we have young women (and now men as well) starving themselves to meet some unrealistic standard of beauty. You can go to any gym to find someone who looks like they are in fabulous form but in their head they aren't thin enough, big enough, cut enough, etc. I was appalled at the concept of the reality show The Swan. This program shows young women in the worse possible light, who out of desperation are willing to risk their lives to be beautiful. They are basing this on the premise that if they are beautiful on the outside it will change their lives for the better. Some people have done so much to themselves, I'm sure their own dogs don't recognize them. There is a woman out there who made herself over to look like a Barbie doll. I've even recently heard about a guy who wants to look like Ken.

What deep seated need is not being met for them that they would even consider this? We all weren't meant to look like we all came from the same mold. Why not celebrate the uniqueness in you? Why would you want to look like anyone else? Is it really going to change your life the way you imagine their lives to be? If you base the substance of your life on how you look, what would your reaction be if you lose your looks to an accident or to time itself?

Although I spent many years extremely insecure about my looks, I've come to accept myself as I am, flaws and all. When I look in the mirror, I like the person looking back. I don't drink to excess or smoke so I look younger than I really am. I try to take care of myself with the occasional pizza binge. But most of all I stay away from people who judge me by my looks. If they are that superficial I really don't have time for their nonsense.

Out of tragedy

It has been almost 1 year since the lives of my family have been changed forever. September 21, 2004, at the age of 60 my dad was bucked from a horse and fractured the C3 vertebrae in his neck. He is now a quadriplegic and can only feel from the shoulders up. It only took one moment in time for one incident to change everything.

My dad had been a horse trainer and cowboy since I was about 18 or 19.
He loved horses and took them like he was born to it. They loved him
too. They hardly knew they were horses because he treated them with so
much loving kindness, they became spoiled boys and girls. It was always
fun to go out to my dad's place because it was like visiting my own
private petting zoo. You just never knew what you were going to find.

He loved training them and going out on trail rides. Sometimes I would
visit and he would have found some new trail near by and take me up to
see some view we didn't even know existed. He'd been thrown before and
just shook it off. I'd been thrown once myself and he told me get up
and get back on. I did and I continued to enjoy the horses. But it just
took that one fall to change it all.

In this last year my dad has endured so many things. Although a saving
grace was his physical conditioning (he was in better shape that most
30 year olds), he went into respiratory failure twice in his first few
weeks at the Shepard Center in Atlanta, Georgia. Although he never lost
consciousness the entire time, he had to have a tracheotomy and be
placed on a ventilator. After that came a pacemaker to maintain his
heart beat. He also had to have a feeding tube placed in his stomach
because the trach made it difficult to eat and swallow. He went into a
severe depression (as to be expected) and it was many months before he
could talk about the incident. He was in constant pain and was given
heavy doses of painkillers. He would sometimes go into shock from the
medications they would give him. He couldn't regulate his body
temperature and was always hot. He lost muscle mass and weight. The
doctors at the Shepard Center didn't give much hope. They said he would
always be on a ventilator and always need a feeding tube. After 6 weeks
they said they couldn't do anything for him. So he was sent back to the
local hospital to live out the rest of his life in a body he couldn't
use anymore.

My sister and brother were handling all the arrangements for his care.
It was alot for them to shoulder because they were both working full
time jobs and my brother is in the military on active duty. I arrived
home 6 weeks later because I was living in LA at the time. I arrived
the day after he was sent back from Shepard to the local hospital. At
the local hospital he was in intensive care. By then he was unable to
speak because of the trach. There were many infections because his
immune system is compromised. He was constantly hungry because the
nutritional supplement that he was being given through the feeding tube
just wasn't substantial enough to fulfill his hunger. Taking blood
became a problem because his circulatory system was also unable to work
properly. It really took a toll on all of us. Nobody knew how to react.
We all kind of danced around certain subjects because we didn't want to
upset him. I would sometimes cry when talking to the doctors and
nurses, and counselors but pull myself together before going into the
room. The first time my dad spoke was after I broke down in tears in
front of him because I just couldn't handle it anymore.

Then there was the problem of where he could go. He couldn't go home
again and he couldn't stay at the local hospital forever. It was very
difficult to find a nursing home that would take a patient on a
ventilator. The respiratory specialist had been working with him to
learn to breath on his own again. We were afraid he would be sent miles
away from us to a place where we would not be able to visit him easily.
We were fortunate that a nursing home not far from my mom's house
accepted him even with the ventilator. Once he got situated there there
were other battles. He would get a fever or diarrhea and have to go to
the emergency room. He has had numerous urinary tract infections. Those
infections can get into the blood stream and cause delusions. It was
hard to see him that way because he would say things that wouldn't make
sense but he didn't know the difference. He has spent weeks in the
hospital just to clear up the infections. Anytime the nursing home
would start him on any sort of physical therapy he would have to start
all over again after spending weeks at a time in the hospital. My
brother and I have spent many nights at the ER with him. Then came the
bedsores. You have no idea how horrible those things can be until you
actually see one.

Slowly over time my dad has had some milestones. He did learn to breath
on his own and eventually he began to eat regular food. First it was
pureed, (nothing like pureed ham) and gradually he has moved up to
whole foods. He began to talk more by learning to talk around the trach
on his own. Over the summer he had the trach removed and now you can
hardly tell it was ever there. Shortly after that he had the feeding
tube removed because his body just didn't need it anymore. During a
doctor's visit to a wound care specialist today we found out that some
of his bed sores were beginning to heal. He is able to lift his left
forearm and hand and move it about. He is also able to slightly move
his right hand. To me these are terrific accomplishments.

Moreover there is the emotional healing aspect of this experience. You
see before the accident my dad and I were not speaking. Our
relationship had been very rocky since he and my mom divorced. He
thought I was wasting my life because I was pursuing my own dreams and
had not married and settled down. My dad was from the old school and
just didn't see things through my eyes. I never gave up on the
possibility of healing our relationship but I did keep my distance. So
we have spent a lot of time together because of this. Well my dad is
pretty much a captive audience. But we talk now. And he listens more
too. We laugh a lot too. I've learned some things about my dad that I
probably shouldn't know, like he never liked strippers but that's
another story. I've also found out how my dad changed over the years.
There were so many people who knew my dad from his activities around
the community. Many of the nurses at the hospital had seen him in local
parades and rodeos. When he left the hospital to go to the nursing home
the nurses who cared for him there lined the hallway as he was wheeled
out on the stretcher. They are often happy to see him when he comes
back for treatments. He is in a very good nursing home and the staff
take very good care of him. They spend time with him and have kind of
spoiled him with all the attention he gets there. One CNA told him he
wasn't going to let him leave (to go to another nursing home) unless
he could walk out on his own.

Although my dad's body is broken, his spirit is not. His will has
carried him this far. I am glad I was able to be here to support him
through this. It has been a long year but I'm glad he keeps pushing on.
He's always going to be my Poppy and I will always be his Buddy. You
never know what life will bring you.

If you'd like to send my dad a postcard from where ever you are, email
me and I'll tell you how. I put them on his bulletin board across from
his bed so he can see him when he's laying on his back.

Weight loss sucks!!

I am not a skinny girl. I'm round in all the right (and some of the wrong places). I love to eat. My favorite things are all bad for me of course. I have a vicious sweet tooth and I'm on a first name basis with Ben and Jerry. Every time I have a spare $5 I'm at Krystals enjoying my favorite little square burgers. I travel alot and I have favorite eateries in every part of the country.

I grew up a living stick figure as a child. I was all legs and had an early growth spurt. My mother had to buy my pants in the boys department. Puberty was not kind to me. I was the first to get pimples and the last to get a bra. But I was lucky in one sense when I took up bodybuilding in my late teens, it was really good to me. Maybe a little too good. I had great development but I was mistaken for a boy on 2 occasions. Once by someone who knew me.

I had a brief bout with bulimia in my 20's which I am still paying for with the internal damage I have done to my body. My metabolism is now permanently screwed up. I have since gone the other extreme. I am barely 5'5" and the maximum I should weigh is about 150lbs. My weight once ballooned too 240lbs. And like every other woman on the planet I have been fighting the battle of the bulge.

I haven't succumbed to that crazy notion that I should look like a 10 year old boy. I do love my curves. My weight has stabilized and bit and I just want to keep them in check. I don't do the wild diets and I'm one lazy bitch. Sometimes I'm too lazy to get dressed to go to the store to get my Chunky Monkey fix. I get tired just watching Kathy Smith bouncing up and down.

So then a friend told me about a haven for those of us who refuse to deny ourselves a little slice of gastronomic heaven. Weight Loss sucks(http://www.weightlosssucks.com) is for all us who occasionally have cold pizza for breakfast and think chocolate is one of the four food groups. It's worth a peek for those of us seeking just a bit of advice when we've begin to wobble from too much calamarie and tiramisu.

Remember life's too short, so eat a cheeseburger darlin!

Living Together 101

Some years ago I read a human interest story about relationships. The
reporter interviewed a woman who had been married for 60 years until
her husband passed away. The interesting part of their relationship was
they married 2 weeks after meeting each other. When asked how did they
make their relationship last, she simply said we did everything
together. They made all decisions together whether is was buying a sofa
for the house or the purchase of a new car. They had no choice but to
work it out. They didn't live together before so they had to start from
scratch.

I've known lots of couples who split up after living together briefly
over petty squabbles. It seems that marriage is becoming an outmoded
form of relationship in lots of cultures around the world. In the US
the divorce rate is showing no signs of declining from the 50%+ failure
rate. Maybe there is something we can learn from that woman's
experience.

There are thousands of books out there to tell you how to start or end a relationship. How to have good sex, how to communicate, how to end it without hard feelings. What if there were 8 simple rules to living
together?

1. When the two of you decide it's time to take that leap, move into a
new space. Find an apartment or house together so it is now new neutral
territory.

2. Have a yard sale. Sell everything that isn't of sentimental value. I
know that might sound really odd. But take the money and buy new stuff
together.

3. Have an extra room just for when one of you needs some space. Not the room being used for an office, or the bedroom.

4. Money can be a stickler for every relationship, living together or
married. A solution could be 3 bank accounts., his, her's, and the
household account. That way neither can claim more financial support
was given than the other and you still have your own money to do what
you will with. These days so many banks have free accounts, that it is
easy to do.

The first four deal with the day to day part but what about the relationship itsself?

5. Both of you have some outside interests. Remember absence makes the heart grow fonder.

6. Don't make your partner give up his/her (same or opposite gender)
friends. There is nothing less attractive than someone who is insecure
or jealous of your friends. Remind yourself that that person chose to
be with you. If they wanted to be with someone else, they would be.

7. TALK! Plain and simple. Don't let things fester and build up to the
boiling point. Be fair and give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
If talking isn't your strong suit, try letter writing. Think about it
carefully and put it on paper. Give your partner time to absorb it and
then leave the door open for conversation.

8. Have a sense of humor for heaven's sake! Nothing is perfect and a
good laugh can make it easier to get through life sometimes.

I'm no expert but I think sometimes we all need lessons before we take
off on a new journey in life.

Is dating a dying...dead art?

I am a people watcher. I love to observe how people work. One thing
I've noticed is the evolution of male-female relationships. Do people
still date? What I've noticed is a lot of couples get together for the
pretext of having sexual relations and somehow end up just seeing each
other. This is how the relationship begins. They become
boyfriend/girlfriend just because.

Dating used to be a beautiful thing. The guy actually asks you out. You
clean out half your closet trying to find the perfect thing to wear. He
comes to the door instead of honking the horn or calling from the car
on his cell. He opens doors for you. He isn't too forward and he
understands that an invite for coffee is not necessarily an invitation
to spend the night.

But today the rules have changed and the lines are blurred. How do you
take someone seriously if you have sex on the first date or if sex is
the first date? Is it realistic to build a relationship on a foundation
based on lust rather than actual compatibility? This brings more
questions than I have answers for.

Personally I don't take a guy seriously as relationship material if
conversations only consist of what my favorite position is or what I'm
wearing under my Levis. To me it's not a good sign that he is really
interested in anything long term. Most like he's not the one I'd bring
home to meet mother.

And it's not all on the guy's shoulders either. I would not expect him
to take to take me seriously if I have my hand on his crotch under the
table during dinner. Despite the love the one you're with attitude we
have these days, most guys still want a woman who behaves like a lady.

So when relationships start out under questionable circumstances is it
any wonder that the divorce rate is so high??

The good, the bad, and the ugly

This year has been wrought with tragedies. The tsunamis in the eastern world and now the hurricane here in the US. We are all overwhelmed by the scope of these losses but instead of pulling us together as human beings, it seems to bring out the worst in people.

I remember seeing reports of people trying to claim the children of others after the tsunamis. In New Orleans there was the looting of non essentials. Hey chuckleheads why are you stealing TVs when you got no f#%*ing electricity?? Why in the world would you shoot at the people who are trying to rescue you from the 7 gates of hell?? What kind of mindset takes advantage of the situation simply because at this moment in time you can get away with it?

And the aftermath of all this is a real kicker. The hucksters out there trying to rip off people who sincerely want to help the victims but accepting donations for charity that will never go further than his own bank account. On the morning news was a report of groups out there collecting money to help whites only. Come on people, it’s 2005!!

Everyone has been affected by this and it should not come down to race. People lost lives and property. The history of New Orleans is now erased from the face of the earth forever and will only be experienced in history books. Hundreds of thousands of people’s lives have been changed forever.

I imagine that if there is intelligent life out in the universe they are probably shaking their heads in disgust at our behavior when so many of our kind are in need of comfort and compassion.

From the hopeful romantic

Believe it or not people often come to me for advice about their relationships. For some reason heaven only knows I always seem to have the right words for the situation. Over the years I’ve learned a lot. I think there are things you can do to have a good relationship. These days we are so use to drama and games that I think we’ve forgotten the beauty of romance.

I watch way too many talk shows (I got a lot of time on my hands). I want to kick the TV in when I see some woman crying over the loss of a guy she was “in love” with but he broke her heart tragically by sleeping with her mother/sister/brother/bestfriend. But as she pours her heart it turns out she knew him for barely a month before she moved him in and was pregnant with his child. Ok... what’s wrong with that picture? Frankly as romantic as I am, I have never believed in love at first sight. I have felt the stirrings of LUST at first sight (many, many, many times).

Although we are live and breath fairy tale romance, love is something that takes time. It is like having a garden. It must be tended to and nurtured. You can’t trick a flower into blooming and if you force it to bloom, it just doesn’t last as long. Love should be treated with that same respect. Give it the right encouragement and be gentle with it. Then you will have something that is long lasting and a pleasure to enjoy.

My ideal guy

As I stated previously I am single by circumstance not by choice. By now I fully expected that I would be married and have a few kids and the whole white picket fence get up. But for some reason I have yet to figure out it has eluded me.

Most people don’t believe me when I say I have never been in love and never had anyone in love with me. Another great mystery of life. I didn’t go through the normal stages of development. No puppy love, no high school crushes. I’ve had a lot of rejection. I’m usually the girl that a guy comes to when he’s lamenting another girl. He’ll pour his heart out to me about her without ever realizing my attraction to him. If I make the mistake of letting him know of my interest then I get the standard “I’m not ready for commitment” or the ever popular “We should just be friends”.

As funny as it may seem to people who don’t know me I come across as aloof and picky. I’m just not clingy and needy. I am not the type of girl that plays mind games with a guy. I don’t have to talk to him 50 times a day and I like it when he has other things to do besides sit up under me all day and night. My uncle once remarked perhaps I should have been born a guy. I’m just not like other women. Aside from all that I grew up very insecure about my looks. It took me many years to like myself and now that I’m in my early 40’s guys think I’m hot. Who knows, I might actually land someone by the time I’m 60 at this rate.

Add to that that I tend to be a weirdo/idiot magnet. I’m not being disrespectful to men in general. I adore them. But it seems if a guy is as dumb as my shoe or looking to cheat on his wife/girlfriend then he can find me like a heat seeking missile. I also seem to attract men who just want a living blow up doll (I’m sure you know where I’m going with that one). I don’t think I wear a neon sign on my forehead that says “use me”.

So what am I looking for in a guy? First he would have to be a brain in his head. I don’t want to raise a grown ass man. Someone who is confident and an independent thinker. Someone who is secure in his masculinity and won’t be thrown for a loop because I have my own opinions. I know most women would look at his bank account and what he’s rolling in but those things can disappear in a flash and then what do you have left? I’m more focused on personality and mindset as opposed to physical aspects because beauty is subjective and skin deep. I don’t really have a type so I can’t put my finger on what might jump out at me.

So I keep going on with my life. I never know when Cupid will shoot me in the ass. Ciao

Who am I?

Ok, you've come across my blog of all the millions of things to find on
the net. Well let me tell you something about me.

I'm 41, born in New York. I'm single by circumstance and not choice. I
work in the film industry... well it would be nice if I was working. I
have a terrible habit of procrastinating (I'll work on that later).

I love a good time and often give in to bouts of goofiness. I'm a
hopeful romantic and I just melt over the right love stories, although
I have no great love stories of my own.

I'm an artist by training and profession. Eventually when I land in the
right place I'd love to have a painter's studio in my home. My passion
is creating beautiful things.

For most of my young life I suffered from insomnia and bouts of
clinical depression. As I've gotten older I've gotten both under
control without the use of drugs or therapy. I'm a very spiritual
person and for the last few years have been experiencing spiritual
growth thru some rather unusual life situations.

This is me in a nut shell but of course there is a lot more to me. I
have lots of layers and maybe you'll explore them as you visit my blog.

Nothing to do in Macon, Georgia

Right now I'm back home with my family. I'll explain why later. But I
am in the most boring city on the face of the earth. I feel so lucky
that I was not born here. There is 1 shopping mall in the entire city.
The bus line runs in a circle rather than 2 buses going in opposite
directions on a route. Wal-mart is the happening place to go.

God help me if I don't get out of here soon!

Is this thing on??

I let one of my friend's talk me into this internet diary. I can't be
sure it that is a good idea. I'm a bit of a chatty cathy in real life
so you can only imagine how much I can do with a vehicle like this.

Let's see what happens from here and if my pal will live to regret this.

Ciao!