Alone again...naturally

When I started this blog I wanted it to be a haven of positive constructive emotion. But every now and again I go through intense bouts of loneliness. I have been single most of my adult life. Not by choice but by circumstance. And at this stage in my life all my closest friends are married and have families, so understandably they don't have time to do the things we used to do.

I remember in 1995 a news report about the suicide of R&B/jazz singer Phyllis Hyman. She was beautiful and talented and had money to boot. But she was also incredibly lonely. She was unable to find love despite all she had going for her. At 40, she'd lost hope. I understood her intense longing as well as what drove her to that point. Some of you might not be able to identify with this.

It can become almost a physical ache. Next to food and shelter, love is so important to human survival. The need for contact with another human being is so essential to our development and well being on so many levels. There were times that I could not interact with others because I was so aware of always being the odd man out, the third wheel. I'd turn down invitations to social gatherings. It was almost emotionally crippling to go to the mall or to the movies or out to dinner because I would be surrounded by couples. My loneliness seemed to magnify that fact that in a crowd of couples I had no one in my life.

Of course when I would discuss this with my friends, they would always try to minimize my situation by saying that you never know what goes on inside someone's relationship. That was always easy for them to say seeing that they were in a relationship. I can guarantee that not one of them would have traded places with me once they found that person they really wanted to be with. Sometimes we would describe it as looking into each other's backyards and admiring the grass but my backyard is empty and desolate. To me their backyards were beautiful gardens that were being carefully tended.

My friends often remind me that I will always have their undying loyalty and friendship. I have small circle of friends that I will always hold dear. For once in my life I would like to be special to just one person.

Everything old is new again

Just as I was writing my last entry, my friend Kelly told me the latest terminology for a well rounded man... the ubersexual. I thought I was up on everything but I quickly did a bit of research. It dawned on me that the ubersexual is really nothing new. We just have a name for it. I've known guys who could be described this way all my life and never thought of them in any particular vernacular.

So now we celebrate a man who takes care of himself and cares about the world around him? DUH!!?? But these are the same guys that we as women dis' because he is too nice and well balanced. Hello girls, these are the guys we should be seeking out. These are the guys that we work with or socialize with everyday but we are blinded by that rebel without a clue we feel so drawn to. They don't necessarily stand out because they are superior male specimens but because they have become fully realized in their masculinity. They are not seeking approval by wearing the latest designer or being seen in the right place with the right people. These guys understand their role in everyday life. Simple as that. He can be that single dad and still enjoy poker night with the boys.

So while we tend to think we've come up with something new every decade or so, it some how comes down to the original Malboro man.

Malboro Man to Metrosexual

I grew up with the rugged manly image of the Malboro Man, the cigarette smoking cowboy as what a man should look like. I watched spaghetti westerns with my Dad and I was enthralled with rough cut of Clint Eastwood. Even my own Dad contributed to my image of the male mystic by his daily use of Brut cologne. All this culminated in my mind that a man should be rough, slightly whiskered and smell just a tad woodsy.

But now when you go to your favorite department store you'll find the cosmetics department burgeoning with as many products for men as for women. They are now encroaching in our sacred space. Once during a chat with my dear friend Funky, I asked what he used for his skin care regimen. You can imagine my shock when he told me he was using soap to wash his hair! I tried talking him into a trip to a day spa for a facial and massage. I learned a new British insult. He had no idea that "real" men get manicures. He thought I was making up the word metrosexual. You really don't want to know his response to that.

I'm sure many of you have some indications already that your man has crossed the metrosexual threshold. He has his masseuse on speed dial. He has a custom build shoe closet that rivals your own. The staff of the men's department at Neiman's knows him by his nickname. His barber comes to his office. If you see any of this in your man, then you've got one!

I tried to bring my friend Funky into the 21st century by offering to buy him "The Gentleman's Guide to Grooming and Style". Suffice it to say I was greeted by a second coarse British expression. He prefers the just rolled out of bed look and he wears it well.

Love is

I had an epiphany while I was doing my yardwork today. That usually happens when I'm trying to tame this horrific yard in the baking Georgia sun. I think I figured out what love is all about.

It ocurred to me that love is about being vulnerable and open to that experience. It's about trusting that the person you are sharing yourself with has your best interests at heart and is not working from their own agenda. It means being willing to set aside your own agenda to protect your relationship from people who would try to influence to the detriment of that relationship. I'm sure some of you are familiar with that aspect.

Love can be difficult because there is some much involved when it happens and making it work. It is like making a meal, you need all the right ingrediants and then let it simmer the proper amount of time. Let it come to a slow simmer so all the flavors meld just right. You keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't boil over and make a mess everywhere. When it is just right you share it with someone special to you.

Thank you

I've been away for a while tending to things like my incredibly overgrown yard and my haircolor that I screwed up 3 times. But while I was away some of you very nice people have told me how much you enjoy reading my entries. I truly appreciate that.

My friend Funky talked me into doing this and at first I was hesitant. But it has allowed me to share a part of me with a part of you. Perhaps on some level we connect throught common experiences. That is the beauty and the wonder of being human beings.

So I hope you will continue to drop in and please let me know how you feel. Thank you again.

It takes 2

As you know I am a talk show junkie. I am always amazed when people go on tv to air their dirty laundry. But what is even more amazing is when
a couple is expecting a baby and the guy says "she got herself
pregnant". If I remember that talk about the birds and the bees, I
think it takes 2 people to make a baby.

Now I'm going to climb on my soap box. Don't worry it's only about 6
inches high. There are too many ways not to get pregnant for people to
be having babies they don't want or can't take care of. I don't mean
abortion, I mean birth control. I am a firm believer that children need
both parents. So in situation where there are 2 people who are not in a
committed relationship, why don't you use protection!?? Guys always
want to believe that it is the woman's responsibility to make sure she
doesn't get pregnant but why are you relying on that? Why not take
matters into your own hands (so to speak) and make sure you are
protected. If you don't want to be tied to this person for the next 20
years why take the chance that you could make a baby.

Well maybe you're not so worried about being a parent. Remember there
are things out there that can change your life even more so than having
a kid. There are sexually transmitted diseases that the doctors still
don't have definitive tests for. Many of these diseases can take away
your ability to have kids when you really are ready to. HIV is on the
rise again, not just among teens but also among adults. Is sex really
worth dying for?

So the next time you are just 2 ships passing in the night maybe you
should consider battening down the hatches before you dock in her port.

OK I'll get off my soap box now.

Signed, Happily Nappy

Last year I decided to stop relaxing my hair. I've always had a lot of
thick course hair. My mom used to wrap her leg around me to keep me
from fighting her whenever it was time to do my hair. When I was old
enough I went to the hairdresser to have my hair straightened. I'll
never forget Miss Easter. She would have a cigarette in one hand with
a glob of hair grease on the back and the hot comb in the
other.Somehow she could do my hair while smoking and talking to the
girl in the next booth.

My mom finally got tired or wrestling with me so we went to relaxers.
I've been doing this chemical process since I was 13 and frankly I was
just tired of it. For those of you who don't know, the chemical make
up of relaxer is the same as drain cleaner. It burns the scalp and
fries the hair. So why do we do it? It makes the hair more manageable
and smooth. And considering I had hair that would make most sheep
balk, I really needed it.

But I can not tell you how many countless hours were spent in the
beauty parlor when I did find a hairdresser who could handle my hair.
After a while you learn not to scratch your head before you go because
where ever you scratch is going to burn the worse. I would always make
the earliest appointment I could get so I wouldn't blow the whole day
in the chair. I don't even want to think about the thousands of
dollars I spent on weekly appointments, hair products, and styling
tools.

OK, I decided no mas! I was not going to cook my hair anymore. So I
stopped cold turkey. And boy was that a shock. I then had to figure
out what to do next. Ultimately I ended up having most of my hair cut
off to prevent outright hair loss. I ended up looking like a nerd
cupie doll. Now when I wash my hair it doesn't lay down in that just
out of the water look. I have a curly puffy afro straight out of the
70's. I let it air dry and even my brother looked at my funny when he
saw me walking around with all these little puff balls sectioned off
on my head. I now use an <underline>electric</underline> straightening
comb.

I don't have to worry about leaving the chemical on too long or not
long enough. I don't have a dry irritated scalp. I don't have to worry
about running to the sink to stop the burning. But I also can't go
near the water.

I wish someone would come up with an alternative to relaxers that
really works for my type of hair. I've seen some online but I'm not
the brave. If anyone has tried any of them, let me know your results.
I will probably go back to using relaxers once I am working again. But
until then ...

Lessons in Love

In my posting about the new spinster, men over 40, I wrote about a friend who was desperate to marry and have a family. He was contemplating marrying a girl who I could see was clearly wrong for him.

Well folks... it's officially over!! He finally came to the realization that she is not the one he wants to be with. And how did he come to this conclusion you might ask? He spent time with her! It took a 7 day cruise for him to come to his senses. Their relationship had largely been a long distance one for about 2 and half years. He had been able to overlook a lot of things about her and blind himself to the fact that she was really lacking in a lot of the things he wanted in a woman. Until it came down to being in close quarters with no where to go 24 hours a day for 7 days.

Perhaps more couples should do that. Could your relationship stand up to 7 days in close quarters, where you actually had to talk to your love one? How many times could youwatch him scratching his arse? Do you think your could live 40 years with her laugh that reminds you of a braying mule? Try it and let me know the results.

Celebrity injustice...yeah right!

When I'm working with kids, I try to teach them there are consequences for their actions. I'm constantly telling them I will not reward bad behavior. Eventually I get through to the 5 year olds. I wish I could get through to some adults.

It's been all over the new about super thin super model Kate Moss' cocaine use. Because she admitted to using she lost 2 lucrative contracts. Naomi Campbell and Sharon Stone have come to her defense. According to them, everyone is making much ado about nothing. DUH!! Any average working stiff would have lost his/her job for drug use so why do celebrities think they should be exempt?

I applaud Burberry, Hennes & Mauritz, and Chanel for taking a stand. They were paying her big bucks to represent them and they have a right to set certain standards. And if she doesn't meet those standards, she can get the boot just like any employee making $6.50 an hour.

I hope kids who hold models, actors, singers, and athletes up as role models will see this and understand that it doesn't matter who you are. When you screw up, it's on you!

What a girl wants???

I constantly hear women bemoaning that men don't treat them right. I recently came across a woman who found it creepy that a guy brought her roses for the first date. She had written to an advice column in the newspaper. The columnists denounced the guy as being dense and retro.

It seems a guy can't win no matter what he does because the rules have changed so much and no one told him it was a new game. I just shake my head in disbelief when I hear about women who get upset because a guy opened a door for her. If he's a gentleman, he's often overlooked for that tough guy who'll land you on a episode of America's Most Wanted.

Do women today really know what they want? It seems we want to have our cake and eat it too. I'm sure I'll be called out for being anti-feminist for this. We want to be treated like equals until it's time for the check. For example, a couple appeared on a talk show to discuss mending their ailing marriage. The husband worked 2 jobs so the wife could stay home to care for a 4 and 6 year old. The wife was constantly unhappy and felt overwhelmed by caring for the home. She had an affair but the husband forgave her. She didn't want to work but she wanted him to do more around the house aside from working his 2 jobs. He even changed his normally loving behavior because she said she felt like he was smothering her when he wanted to hug her. What more could he have done to make her happy?

I know this is an extreme example but it is not too far off what I observe in my interactions with women everyday. He calls too much, he doesn't call enough. He doesn't buy me gifts, He doesn't take me to the right places. He goes out with his friends too much, He's around me too much.

Relationships are hard enough without the mind games. If both parties go into it just being themselves you might find you like the person sitting across from you just as they are. While you're looking for you prince, it might turn out that frog is really not so bad after all.

I just couldn't help myself!

I love chocolate, I admit it. During Easter I could hardly wait to bite
the heads of my bunnies. When I worked in a pharmacy I had constant
access to broken boxes of Valentine's Day sweets and foil wrapped
Santas. Jakes dessert shop in Atlanta became my second home (long
embarrassing story). They even knew me by name at the Godiva counter in Lenox Mall. Should I seek therapy? Is there a pill for chocoholism? Maybe I should join CA...Chocoholics Anonymous.

I don't mean to make light of addictions. My heart goes out to those
who truly suffer from any sort of chemical dependency. But what does
irk me is how often certain behaviors have made the leap to full blown
addictions. Once it becomes an addiction suddenly it relieves the
"victim" of any personal responsibility for his/her choices. And of
course they can lay the blame at the feet of others,

I've enjoyed a little fun at the casinos every now and then. I drop a
few bucks and laugh it off. I think to myself I could have spent that
money shopping and have something to show for it. It's just for fun and
if I win something it's all gravy. But then there's always someone out
there who loses control and then cries foul. How could it be their
fault that they squander every dime in that one armed bandit? No way!
It's the casino's fault and shame on them for allowing me to keep
coming in there when they know I'm sick.

My absolute favorite is the sex addict. When someone can't keep their
pants on, they use that excuse to cover their butts (so to speak). Our
prudish society still looks down on anyone who "sleeps around". But
once you don the sex addict cap, we don't dare hold you responsible for
making poor choices. These days those choices can even be life
threatening. When I see a talk show about couples where the husband is
a porn junkie, I usually stick around to the see the story unfold. What
usually comes out it there is some underlying problem in the marriage
long before he ran up the credit card buying porn site memberships.

I personally believe in self exploration, looking deep within to find
the void that is being filled by gambling, sex, or even food. Give
yourself a chance to figure out what's eating you before you eat that
half gallon of Rocky Road. Before you head out to blow your wad at the
casino perhaps that money might be better spend with a good therapist.

Innocence lost thru the miracles of modern medicine

I am not a fan of psychology or psychiatry. Yes I know there are
people who have serious mental disorders that require everything
the medical community can produce to help them cope. I put
myself thru college working in a pharmacy so I am fascinated that
nowadays common behaviors have become full blown neurotic maladies
... and there's always a pill to fix it! If you're a little too shy in a
social setting, there's a pill. If you're a little too outspoken,
there's a pill!! Did anyone ever consider trying to find a non
chemical alternative. Oh but that would be too much work
since we're all looking for that quick fix.

As a child I was rambunctious, mischievous, and inquisitive.
I was also gifted. Yes I was a handful to my teachers and
parents, but they worked with me to develop my gifts. If
I were a student in today's classroom, my parents would
be told to (and in some school districts forced to) put me
on medications to keep me under control. I don't say this
without a point of reference. Occasionally I work as a substitute
teacher where the "trouble" children are medicated so the
teachers can maintain control in the classroom. Many of these
children come to school with some incredible baggage. I've
come to notice that even the most trouble child responds
well to some positive attention. I watch the affects these
medications have on children as young as 5 and their
still developing systems. The little ones experience loss of
appetite and lethargy. they are unable to participate in class.
The older children just zone out and then the teachers accuse
them of daydreaming.

We don't know what the outcome will be for these children when
they reach their majority. Some of them will be on a variety of
medications for years but what are the affects as they approach
early adolescents and into puberty?