Grandmothers are angels too

I have two very beautiful people in my life. They are my grandmothers, my mom’s mom and stepmom. They are just the most amazing spirits I have ever encountered. They have had it tough and it made them tough too. So when I feel like giving up, they lift me up. They won’t let me give up on myself when I feel lost. They are my saving grace. Although they will never see this tribute to them (what’s the internet??), they already know how I feel about them. I feel truly honored to have them as my grandmothers and they will always have a special place in my life and my heart.

Breaking through your comfort zones

For the last few years I have been on a path of spiritual and emotional growth. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about the people around me. In order to grow sometimes you have to let go of things, whether they are material or intangible. When my life started changing I felt things were out of control. I would describe what was happening as being on the edge of a cliff. When critical things would happen, it would feel like I had to jump off or I would be pushed off. This symbolized being able to make decisions and trusting the outcome. At first it was very scary because I never knew if I was going to land safely or hit with a splat!

But all of this is important to growth and moving beyond self imposed boundaries. You never know what you are capable of until you try. It can be scary and you’ll want to turn back but it is always worth that extra push. But know that when you move beyond your comfort zones others will feel uncomfortable. They will want to pull you back and discourage you from going on. But if your goal is really meaningful and worth it to you, you must persevere.

Don’t be afraid to take the leap. No matter what you will land just where you need to be. And there will always be a safe, soft place for you to land.

Never give up your dreams

I feel that when someone tries to put you down for pursuing your dreams it’s because they have forgotten their own. It can be hard to go on when you may not have the support of family or friends. But as long as it is not something that is dangerous to you or others then go for it. Don’t let anyone make you believe you are less than capable of achieving your goals.

When I feel like giving up, I am often inspired by a book I read in the 4th grade. It’s called Jonathan Livingston Seagull. It’s a quick read but a very powerful story. The jist of the story is about a seagull who wants more out of his life. He doesn’t listen to the negative talk from the other seagulls and eventually he breaks through the boundaries of being an ordinary seagull. He pushes his mind and his body to the breaking point but ultimately achieves his goal.

When you go after something that others deem unreal, just remember you are making them uncomfortable by reaching for something they would be afraid to. Don’t let their fears and self doubts become yours. You don’t want to look back on your life, wishing you had done something when you had the chance.

That's why TVs have remote controls

Every week I watch Nip/Tuck, it is my one guilty pleasure. It is gritty and edgy and really holds my interest. Although at first I found the adult language a little over the top, I am an adult. And that’s just my point. I can choose what I want to watch because I can make my own decisions as to what is entertaining or offensive to me. But of course there is this group of people who think they know what's best for the rest of the planet. Advertisers pulled out because they were heavily pressured by these know it alls.


When will these people learn to mind their own business? If you don’t like what is on TV then don’t watch. It’s just that simple, turn the channel. Or better still, get rid of your TV so you won’t be tempted. I don’t tell you not to let your kids watch Barney even though I deplore that Prozac popping purple beast. It is not up to anyone but me to make decisions for me or anyone else for that matter. I like many others adults are perfectly capable of making choices for ourselves in all aspects of our lives. The only people you should be concerned with are the children in your life.

Introducing Mr. and Mr.

Love is never a simple thing. It can be even more complicated when you’re gay. In these modern times being gay still scares a lot of people. I have never understood why. Frankly I don’t care who someone sleeps with or what goes on between consenting adults.

Gay marriage is an even more sensitive subject. So many people oppose it for many reasons, none of which make sense to me. I think that if you find someone you want to spend your life with you should be allowed to, gay or straight. How does it hurt me if a gay or lesbian couple gets married? It doesn’t because it’s not my life. I’ve heard people who argue against it say marriage is for procreation. So does that mean straight couple shouldn’t be allowed to marry they choose not to have kids? We wouldn’t dare.

There are a lot of straight people who live on the edge of morality, yet they feel it is ok to dictate right or wrong. When more than half of American marriages end in divorce, how much do they really know? Hmmmm? So if gays want to marry, they have the same right to lose half their stuff as everyone else.

Saying goodbye to a good friend

Well the day I dreaded most has finally come. My beloved Thing One is
gone. He was a little more than 9 years old. He has done his bid for
king and country. Ok you maybe asking yourself why do I personify a
computer. Why refer to something that can not eat or breath as beloved
or give it a name? My pal Funky laughed at me when I told him about it.
My computer has expanded my view of the world and opened doors for me.
It has introduced me to people I never would have encountered
otherwise. In some ways it has helped me to grow and become more sure
of myself. So I pay my last respects to a good friend. Long live Thing
One.

Taking charge of your life

Any morning when I can I watch a lovely show called "Starting Over".
It's not the usual mambee pambee pyscho babble. They don't sit around
and blame Mom for all your ills and dysfunctions. It is a show that
makes the participants active managers in their own lives. There are
life coaches who are very creative at forcing the people in the house
to really examine ALL aspects of themselves, inside and out. If we
could all have life coaches at the exact moments in our lives when we
need them.

It has had an effect on me as well. I have had a tough 11 years. I am
doing what I can to make things better and to get back on track. I take
responsibility for my decisions and I don't blame others when things
don't turn out right. I have been on a long road and I am often
frustrated by the roadblocks and obstacles in my path. It feels like I
spend way more time get over, under, around the roadblocks than I do
making any progress on my path. At the end of a day, I am exhausted
from the fight. But I keep going because I know something good is at
the end of this road. It will be worth the struggle.

Sometimes my friends don't understand. They already have achieved what
they wanted in life. They see me as a very confidant, strong person who
just floats through life. Nothing could be further from the truth. Most
days I just feel like a broken doll. Everyday I pick up the pieces and
hope that I can put them back in the right places.

What planet do you live on?

This has been a horrible season for natural disasters. Most of which can be attributed to our treatment of mother earth. She's just fighting back, defending herself. After all we have polluted and overfished her waters. Each day we mistreat her beloved animals, losing many species to extinction forever. We have suck the soil dry of it's life blood to the point where our fruits and vegetables no longer have the natural nutritional value it held 50 years ago. To add insult to injury we misuse her natural resources. Oil production, strip mining, deforestation, the list goes on and one.

Yet we stand around befuddled as to why we are at the tender mercies of nature. Hurricanes that have gained such intensity that it may be necessary to up the category numbers. Tornadoes aren't predictable either but they have become demon spawn as now they appear so suddenly people can't even be awakened by the warning sirens. Yet our politicians and corporate entities still say there's not such thing as global warming. Your average citizen thinks nothing throwing fast food wrappers on the parking lot ground or flushing anti-freeze down a sewer drain. Where do you think all this stuff ends up?

During World War II recycling was mandatory. But in 2005 recycling is left up to the good conscience of the individual. Every day corporate American comes up with more cool stuff for us to throw out. Things that don't biodegrade but become a biohazard. These days organic farming is a hobby instead of the norm. We have pumped the ground so full of pesticides and other things that are suppose to protect the plants that they have been rendered almost inedible.

It blows my mind is that very simple solutions are already exist that could restore the balance of nature. We can turn the tide if we start now. We choose to ignore the solution for the sake of convenience. But how convenient is it to have to rebuild your life after you've lost everything you worked for?

Prince Albert needs Sex for Dummies

Prince Albert of Monaco is a man who has lead a life of abundance, power and priviledge. He has had access to the finest things that life can offer and not doubt has had a superb education. Despite all that he has going for him, it seems the prince still doesn't know where babies come from.

Recently it came to light that Prince Albert of Monaco has a child with a flight attendent that he had an affair with. When this became public he said he felt he had been set up. Ohmigod! When I was told about the birds and bees I was never told that a woman had control over a man's swimmers.

Birth control should not be soley the woman's responsibility in any relationship. The current methods available lay it squarely at her feet. Most of these are practically toxic to our bodies. None are foolproof. But should it fail then it becomes her fault. Oh please, fellas grow up! Take some responsibility for your bodies. No one is holding a gun to your head and making you become a dad. The methods available for men don't do anything to befoul your masculinity.

To add insult to injury the 47 year old prince never told his father about the child even though he was two when the King passed away. What a coward! Even a prince should know anyone can father a child. It takes a real man to be a dad. Prince Albert, be a man and step up to the plate.

Interracial Dating in the 21st & 1/20th of a Century

If he says to me "I've never been with a black woman before", my response is "Neither have I". Then I know I won't go out with him. I am neither a social experiment nor am I a collector's item.

I don't view interracial dating as a novelty act. I don't do it to show people how open minded I am. I am still amazed by the people who give me funny looks when I'm out on a date with a Caucasian or Asian guy. It's especially stupid when the look comes from a Black guy wrapped around a White girl.

I used to sit home every night like a lot of Black women, waiting for the love of a good Black man. But that was just it, I was sitting at home. I have been dating interracially for some years now. Frankly to me it is no big deal because men are men, no matter what color. They run the gamut from Tomcat to gentleman, black, white, or asian. If we click when we meet then what is the problem?

I'm not anti-Black man. I am secure in my identity as a Black woman. What works for me is if we find each other interesting and there is a mutual attraction. I wouldn't care if the guy was green as long as he was a good person and treats me well.

What have you done today?

I love inspirational television programs. Right now I'm hooked on
Starting Over and The Biggest Loser. Both of these shows push you to
face your issues and overcome the obstacles that are blocking your
path. The theme song for The Biggiest Loser is very uplifting. It asks
"what have you done today to make you feel proud?". We all need to have
something that gives us a sense of accomplishment at the end of a day.

Early in my career in film production, things came very quickly and
kind of easy. I met the right people at the right time who opened doors
for me and really gave me a lot of support. I always felt so good at
the end of the day when I knew I had put in a job well done. When
things fell apart I felt so lost. I had nothing else to put my energy
into. I had no focal point. My sense of self worth was totally
devastated. The rebuilding process has been slow and arduous. I have
found other ways to get that "attaboy!" that makes me feel appreciated.
It has been a long road back. Each day for me is a step in the right
direction.

Right now I get that from that from doing this blog and my yard work.
When I am frustrated about the lack of progress in my job search or my
beloved Thing One being being on the blink (again), I can look out my
window and see my yard looks nice. I like it when the house doesn't
look abandon because the grass is touching my ass. I am overjoyed when
I get an email from someone who has read an entry. It puts a smile on
my face even after I've received another rejection letter from a
potential employer.

My next project is getting back into shape. I've kind of let myself go
for a while and I need to get serious about getting back to my fighting
weight. Setting goals is so important to that sense of accomplishment.
The road to success begins with the first step. So ask yourself, what
have you done today?

Simple pleasures are the best

Whenever I come back to Georgia I am always reminded of how wonderfu
l the simple things are. I still like to take my favorite blanket into my
backyard to watch the stars. I can see them without a telescope because
I'm away from city lights.

Things have been rocky for me for a while so my things are in storage.
What remains of my life is reduced to a 5 x 10 storage room. Sometimes
I visit my stuff. As I sift through the boxes and find things I've
forgotten about, each book or personal momento has a specific memory
attached to it. Sometimes it makes me smile, sometimes it brings a tear
to my eye.

While I am rebuilding my life there are times that I do get frustrated
but I step back and take a deep breath. I find a quiet moment to relish
the beauty that surrounds me in every day things. I try to help my mom
around the house by doing the yard work. I get to revel in the wonder
of nature. I loved when the robins and bluejays returned to my yard as
I cleared away the weeds and overgrowth. Cutting the grass can become
a kind of Zen experience because my mind isn't buzzing with a million
thoughts. I become 5 years old again when I see a dragonfly or a
ladybug. Right now the yard is taking on the look of the Disney gardens
as I tame the hedges.

These days I don't have much money so I've had to curb my shopping
whore instincts. But I can still enjoy a few hours in my favorite
bookstore. I am also learning Italian in my spare time, little though
it maybe. I love the hugs I get from the kids I work with when I'm at
the school. Some of them want a hug every time they see me through out
the day. Sometimes I think I get more out of it than they do.

The next paradise lost, the internet

I love the internet. I think it is the most fascinating technological
innovation ever conceived by mankind since the airplane. If it weren't
for the internet I wouldn't have the amazing friends I have all around
the world. Some of them I have met and we will have lifelong
friendships. Some have turned out to be not so nice in real life. I
value these people and experiences all the same as those I would have
encountered in so called "normal" circumstances.

There are people who are not into the net so much and don't understand
how some of us can spend hours chatting away with people on the other
side of the world that we would never meet. They can't see how we
could wile away the time surfing for the myriad of things that
interest us. Some of us have sold our souls to eBay. If we move from
one home to another, we may not yet have phone service but we will
make sure our internet connection is working so we can stay in touch
with our friends and loved ones. I've known of more than one love
story that began on the net. The internet has once again proven the
world is not flat.

But of course with the good always comes the bad and sometimes even
the evil. It used to be we thought dirty old men lurked in dark alleys
wearing trenchcoats. Now because of the millions of online sites that
cater to every possible whim and depravity known to mankind the dirty
old men can sit in the comfort and privacy of their homes. They can
indulge their fantasies at the click of a mouse. They lose themselves
in this stuff because it is so easily accessible and there are no
limits. Like junkies they want more and more to get the high they are
seeking. When caught of course it's not their fault. Nooo they can't
be held responsible for their behavior. It never would have happened
if they hadn't been on the net. What a crock of ....(explicative
omitted). These are the same guys who would be hanging out in the dark
alleys and in the adult bookstores. They are the same perverts lurking
at the parks checking out what they desire most but were too afraid to
pursue until the advent of the internet. The net just makes it easier
for them to remain in their comfort zone without the fear of being
discovered.

These are the same people who will not accept responsibility for their
actions. It was because of the internet that they couldn't stop
downloading porn or maxing out the credit card joining member sites.
They didn't know that person they were arranging to meet was actually
underage. They would have never met that person if it weren't for the
internet. The internet just gives these lowlifes another avenue.

Don't misunderstand me, I have nothing against the porn industry or
porn on the net. I think it can be a healthy outlet for people when
they have well rounded lives. I am also a supporter of freedom of
speech and expression. I believe the internet should be a haven for
those principles. What I find disturbing are the predators out there
who use the internet as their private fishing hole. They visit their
sickness upon us through our monitors. They prey upon the vulnerable
and lonely. They rip the veil of innocence from children.

So this may become another instance of a few spoiling it for the many.
As these abuses grow and more and more of these creatures are ferreted
out many jurisdictions are trying to create legislation that will
police and govern our behavior online. Eventually big brother will be
watching us on every .com out there. Why can't we use this amazing new
horizon as a place to resolve the maladies of the human condition?
I'll do it later. Right now I need to check out the latest on
sexyswedishguys.com.

Who's reality is reality TV?

Each year it seems TV show producers reach lower and lower for new
ideas for reality shows. Although I work in the business, I want to
cover my face a lot of the time when I see the season's new
outcropping. At first I was tickled by Joe Millionaire. A kooky concept
but nonetheless an interesting social study in human interaction. But as
time went on it seemed that whatever some wanna be writer dropped into
a producer's lap while waiting tables became a show. And the stupidity
never ends.

Why do they call this reality TV when in reality this is all staged
crap?! Sure every handsome single guy has 25 women vying for his
attention in the hopes that he'll fall in love with her and want to
marry in a scant 6 weeks time. I know I always get to vote on major
decisions my family and friends make, don't you? My house is wired from
stem to stern with cameras so you can watch everything I do including
drooling on my pillow.

TV has always been the great escape but how entertaining can it be to
watch spoiled rich kids (with no discernible talents) pretend to enjoy
everyday life when you can barely pay your bills every two weeks? Why
not a reality show for our politicians to watch? A show that features a
single mom working for minimum wage and trying to keep her household
together.

I prefer the good old days when shows had real content, were
beautifully scripted and the actors were actors. Let's hope soon that
sagging ratings will bring producers back to reality and they will
again give us something worth watching.