Living life for you

I’ve decided to finally take more control of my life. I’m feeling a little more confidant, a little more empowered. I used to live to please everyone else. As long as I was there to take care of their needs  then it was all good. When I decided to take care of my own needs, then all hell broke loose. You would be amazed at the resistance you meet when you decide to test your wings.

You can never live your life for others. They will go on with their lives while you keep taking care of their needs. They know they can always count on you. They know you will put their needs ahead of your own. Then as time goes by you wonder why you haven’t accomplished your own goals and dreams. It is ok to help out but not to the point where you are the first person they call when they need something.

It can be a hard habit to break. If you are a little afraid, start slowly. Wean them off you. Make yourself less available. Even if you don’t have plans for your time, learn to say no sometime. Yes it can be scary but it will help you gain strength and confidence. Aside from preparing you to spread your wings, it also teaches the ones you take care of not to be so dependent on you.

All I want for Christmas

I had an incredible internal debate about writing this one. I didn’t want you guys to think I’m some sniveling whiny coward. But the whole point of this blog thing is to share. So here goes.

As I’ve said in previous posts things haven’t been so great for me for some time. I try not to let it get to me but of course as it is the holidays and close to the new year it does weigh heavy on my heart and mind. My Christmas wish is to find someone to share life with. I’m not looking for someone to take care of me. I have learned over the years that I can take care of myself. I’m not looking for a guy to lavish countless gifts on me or pay my bills. Money isn’t everything. And I know my time to shine is coming and my fortunes will change for the better. I’m not looking for a knight in shining armor. I don’t need rescuing.

In the last couple of years I’ve felt like the Universe is just screwing with me. I’ve had a couple of really nice dates winding up in odd situations. I had the perfect Saturday date with a guy in New York, only to board a plane to LA the next day. He and I have kept in touch via the net. Once I got to LA, I had a lovely date with a very sweet guy. He was an absolute gentleman and I thought surely there would be a second date. Lo and behold, he moved to Taiwan and was gone for 2 years.  We also kept in touch by email and phone calls in the odd hours of the night. Yes these stories are good for a giggle but they also make me feel sad that I’ve come close but no cigar.

So you might ask, what is she looking for? I’ve thought about it a lot. I just want someone who is ready to share himself with me, just as I would with him. Someone who will be there when I’ve just gotten the millionth rejection letter but who’s also game for a good pillow fight. I would hope he’ll laugh as loud as I do when watching Bugs Bunny cartoons in bed. He’ll eat my cooking even after knowing that my friends have long since stopped being my personal guinea pigs. He’ll teach me about his favorite sport and won’t send me out of the room when I ask a weird question. He could look like Marty Feldman for all I care. All that would matter is that he wanted to be with me because he likes the person that I am.

I know this is a lot to ask of Santa. But I’ve been a really good girl this year.

Living fearlessly!

Sometimes I refer to my life as Mr. Toad’s wild ride. It’s a delightful children’s story. Mr. Toad gets a car and enjoys the experience fully despite that fact that he can’t drive and tears up the countryside. He does it with his whole self and is never bothered by the fact that it could be ....well dangerous.

We are taught as children the world is a dangerous place and unfortunately this can follow us into adulthood. It can stop us in our tracks from pursuing the things that have the most meaning to us. We must then relearn to let go of the fear of the unknown. It can distract us from our true intentions. It can keep us locked in darkness afraid to shine light on our desires. Sometimes we are afraid that we will look foolish in front of others. We maybe afraid that we don’t have the tools to achieve what we are reaching for. It whispers in our ear that what we want is beyond our reach. But we can learn to squash fear like a bug!

Don’t be afraid to step out on that ledge! Have faith that when you land, you will land safely. Believe me I’ve been there often enough to know the landing may not always be soft but it is one you can walk away from. No matter what you can pick yourself up and go on. But at least you took the leap. Each time you try you will be stronger until at last, you’ve reached your goal.

2006-The year of the Vixen

I’ve spent many years on a personal quest of rebirth, rebuilding, and spiritual growth. Not by choice but by circumstance. It has been an incredible journey. I’ve lost a lot of material things, I’ve gained a lot of personal insight. I’ve found out who my friends were when times got hard. I learned that angels are real when I thought all was lost. I’ve had my good days, bad days, and days when I just didn’t want to get out of bed. But somehow I made it through.

But through it all, I’ve never let go of my dreams. Yeah it has been hard to hold on when I felt like the ship is sinking. But without my dreams I am nothing. Strange though it maybe there is something inside me that will not allow me to settle for anything less. I could take the easy route and do what others want me to do but I wouldn’t be happy and I’d live the rest of my life wondering “what if”. So I persevere, knowing with full faith that I will succeed.

So I declare 2006 the year of the Vixen. It is mine to claim and I will happily share with you. It is my time to shine. The seeds I’ve sown all these years will now bear the fruit of my labor. And as I progress I will be an open book to you. Hope you enjoy the ride.

Putting it off until tomorrow

Procrastination is one of my worst character flaws. I am forever making priority lists that never get completed because I can always find a way or a reason to put it off. I don’t know why I do this or how it got to be this bad. I’m finally to a point where it drives me buggy and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m really big on self examination and I’ve tried to find the underlying cause but nothing has come up so far.

But at least I managed to write this particular entry. I’d planned to do it some weeks ago but of course something came up and I had to put it off. Ok Ok I’m a work in progress.

Love lift us up

I was going through my agenda when I came across an old magazine article. I’d ripped it out years ago and now it’s a little yellowed and dog eared. I had to reread it. It’s the writer’s perspective on the beauty of his parents’ marriage. At the time it was written they were celebrating their 50th anniversary. What he recognized was the mutual respect and admiration they held. They brought out the best in each other and honored the relationship.

Whenever I see a wedding video where the new bride and groom smash cake into each other’s faces, it saddens me a little. The act of feeding each other is suppose to symbolize the new bond they will share. Smashing cake seems to be a bit passive aggressive and pretty much sets the tone for the marriage it’s self. You should always have plenty of laughs along the way but not at the expense of your loved one.

It seems to me the marriages that last the longest are the ones where the partners have special regard for the safety and well being of their significant other. I don’t mean safety in the physical sense but emotionally and spiritually. They support each other in pursuit of their individual goals as well as common goals. The concept of what’s yours is yours and what’s mine is mine does not exist in these relationships because they take more care and energy in building something that is ours.

So while I don’t believe men and women are meant to mate for life, I do commend those who have managed to make it last through the years. I admire those people who have have not let the rough patches knock them off course and can still languish in the afterglow just as if it were still their honeymoon.