You could keep your pants on

Just when I think I’ve heard everything, along comes something that sinks mankind to a new low of stupidity. There is a young man in Michigan who thinks he should not have to pay child support for his daughter because he didn’t want to have a child with his (ex) girlfriend. He feels that because she knew he did not want children with her and she chose to keep the baby, he should be able to opt out of child support. She had the option of abortion or adoption.

Well he also had a couple of options. He could have covered it or cut it (I mean a vasectomy but in his case castration might be better) HE knew he didn’t want kids with her, so HE should have taken precautions to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Another option was he didn’t have to have sex with her at all. He could have found someone he did feel worthy of bearing the fruit of his loins.

But now his is choosing to punish the child because of his issues with the mother. Is this the way a man should face up to his responsibilities? If a man could choose to opt out of child support for the simple reason that he didn’t want to have children with that woman, there would be a lot more kids living in poverty and a population boom at that. There would be no consequence for a man fathering as many children as he could make in a lifetime and then leaving them to fend for themselves. I have often felt that if men could feel a similar connection as the mother during pregnancy, it might not be so easy for them to walk away. But for now the connection is a fiduciary one.

I do not believe any one should be forced to pay child support for a child that is not his or a husband paying for a child conceived outside of a marriage(ie if the wife has an affair and becomes pregnant by her lover). I also think no one should have to pay exorbitant amounts of child support. That basically amounts to extortion by court order. But when two people are in a relationship and a child results from that relationship, then step up and be a man.

I say to any women who see Matt Dubay coming, run don’t walk to the nearest exit! It’s quite apparent that he is not capable of handling adult responsibilities. I suggest to him that perhaps he should remain celibate until such time that he gets a clearer understanding of where babies come from.

Losing my hero

I have often said Dads know what influence they have in their sons’ lives but they rarely realize the impact they have on their daughters’ lives. For a girl, her Dad is her first example of what men are suppose to be like. They are a reflection of the type of men she will draw into her life as an adult. A Dad is her cowboy, her knight in shining armor, her superman.

In the last year and a half I have been doing my very best to tend to my dad since his accident. I have watched him put on a brave face when he has visitors and then be exhausted for a couple of days after. I have watched his body wracked with muscle uncontrollable muscle spasms that zap his energy. His compromised immune system has fought all kinds of infections.

This latest very lengthy stay in the hospital has really taken a toll on his spirit. It breaks my heart to hear him say certain things to indicate that he is giving up. But I understand that he has fought the good fight and he is tired. This is not a life for someone who was a very active person. I am preparing myself for that day and I will respect whatever his wishes may be.

My dad was my first friend. He was the one person who would listen to me as I was quite a curious little chatterbox, full of a million questions that all needed answering right now. We had nicknames for each other when I was growing up. When I returned home and he saw me, he called me that for the first time in many years. He wanted to let me know he appreciated me being here. In a lot of ways I am just like him. Although I once traded away my sister and brother, I have never wished to have anyone else as my Poppy. And I will forever be his Buddy.

For Love and Money

Several of my friends live together with their girlfriends in monogamous long term relationships. There is of course love and respect but then there is dead silence when it comes to the topic of money. How could this be? If your relationship is built on a sound foundation why shouldn’t every topic be open for honest discussion? After all you’ve talked about everything from sex to religion. It seems love runs afoul when the matter of dollars and cents comes into play.

I’ve been reading a (relationship) book that says money/finances should be discussed as soon as a couple decides they are going to be a couple. Each partner should know what the other brings to the table in assets and debts. But when most guys are afraid of being trapped by a gold digger, he often feels as though he is being pumped for info rather than it being just another aspect of the relationship. If you are willing to share your lives, why not be willing to share everything?

So how do you decide how the responsibilities should be shared? Do you go the traditional route of the guy shouldering the majority of the burden or is everything split down the middle? Although men still have more earning power than women, what do you do if she earns more? Getting over the initial fear of disclosure can be a groundbreaking event. But if you are honest with your partner it is not impossible.

I’ve always thought the best solution was that you have 3 bank accounts. No I’m not crazy. One account for each partner and then a joint household account. Each partner contributes his/her fair share to the household account (rent or mortgage, utilities, food, cable). Then each partner has his/her private account for debts they are singularly responsible for (child support, student loans, car payments etc). This could possibly lead to less resentment about money when neither partner feels like they are doing more than they should. In the (unfortunate) event that the relationship ends it will be simple enough to close the joint account without animosity.

You should never let one thin dime come between you and the person you love. If you see dollars signs in his/her eyes when you pull out your platinum card perhaps you should be thinking more with your head than your heart.

Don't kill the messenger

Lately the website myspace.com has been takinga lot of hits. But not the kind they’d like. They’ve been all over the newsbecause of abuse of their service. It was designed to be a friendly environmentfor young people to stay connected and make more friends. But of course itonly took a few instances of adults using it as a feeding ground to ruinsomething that could be a good thing. The company has had its’ name and reputationsullied not because of their actions but for the actions of others.

This goes out to parents. Adults (pedophiles in particular) can not get to your children if you know what they are doing online. The experts all givethe same advice. Use it!! You are the main line of defense when it comesto the safety of your kids, no matter how old they are.

1. Don’tkeep the computer in your child’s room. Keep it in a common family area.It will be hard to keep secrets if someone could walk by.
2. Limit the amount of time your kid spends online. Kick their butts outside for some sunshine and exercise.
3. If you allow your child to have their own personal email account, you be the one to set the preferences and controls.
4. Tell your child what is inappropriate in a chat.
5. Use internet services that notify you when your child is having inappropriate chat.
6. DO know who your child’s friends are. I am so tired of hearing storiesabout parents who dropped their kid at the mall to meet a “friend” but they didn’t know who the friend was. Sadly it turns out the person theywere meeting was someone they were chatting with online who happens to bean adult.

These days too many parents want to be their child’s bestfriend instead of being a parent. They don’t want to set limits or imposerules for for fear of the child hating them But wouldn’t it be better tobring up your child than to bury him or her because they fell into the hands of the wrong person?

This is my South

I consider myself a Yankee Southerner. Although I was born and reared in New York, I have spent vast amounts of time in the South. I’ve bounced around a lot but somehow I always come home... to the South. I’ve been spoiled by it and I can’t think of any place I’d like to be more.

After returning to New York briefly, I discovered I didn’t enjoy Indian disco music as much as my neighbors. Especially at 2AM. I’d gotten used to the nearest neighbor being several yards away on the other side of my property when I’m back in Georgia. I missed the openness of my neighborhood when I was in LA , because everyone there lives behind locked gates. Locks and gates cut you off from the rest of the world and keep you locked up in fear. Although I love Europe I miss being able to take my favorite blanket out into my backyard, so I can lay down to see the stars at night.

I once asked my British friend Funky if I could get grits in the UK. He replied he didn’t know what a grit was but he was sure he could find them. In the South nobody is watching their carbs. Every occasion is a reason to celebrate with food. I’ve had many happy naps with my dogs after filling my belly with sweet, smoky barbeque (and their bellies with the bones) on a hot, humid summer afternoon.

I lived in Atlanta for 13 years. I’ve watched it evolve from a good ol’ boy town to an international powerhouse. Now that I travel a lot each time I come home, it’s all new to me. But the people never change. You will always be able to get sweetened tea at your favorite restaurant. There will always be that unique southern drawl and the take your time attitude. And this is My South

Needing to vent

Lately I’ve been taking steps to change my life. I’m planning a big move in the next few months and I’m putting all my energy and resources into this. I was hoping all would go smoothly and when the time came I would fly off into the sunset.

But sadly this is not the case. When I came home to help out with my dad, I never thought I would have stayed this long. I have been home now for a year and four months. Now that my dad is more stable I feel it is time to rejoin life. I think he would be disappointed if I just gave up my life completely. So I set a goal and made a plan/ Last year when I had no plan I was able to save enough money to get me through the summer comfortably. Ok eBay sellers got a chunk of it, but I made it through. But now that I know what I want to do, I have come up against every obstacle you can possibly imagine. I am so frustrated  I want to scream and cry at the same time. Bear in mind I’m doing this all by myself. There is no significant other and no familial support.

So what’s next? I haven’t got a clue. I’m using ever brain cell to come up with a solution. For once I don’t want to step out on the edge on a wish and a prayer. I’d like to make the leap knowing I will make a soft landing.

Show her your love

I don’t want to be accused of beating up on my own gender for the part they play in relationships. It really does take two to make a relationship work. Guys really aren’t thoughtless, self absorbed buffoons who are unable to distinguish Ferragamo from Fila.

We know it can be so easy to settle down and forget about the courtship once you’ve “got the girl”. Sure you might not take her out to dinner as often or you only buy flowers when you’re in the doghouse. Would you even know she was in the room during the big game if she was wearing pasties and 5 inch patent leather stilettos.

It really doesn’t take a lot to show her you aren’t taking her for granted. Simple pleasure are always the best and the often don’t cost a think.

Being There

Sometimes it’s hard to be in the present. We all have baggage. Some of us have little change purses, some of us have that 16 piece matching set of Louis Vitton luggage. We can take it with us every where and into every situation. It can be so difficult to put the bags down and let them go.

But it can be done. It doesn’t have to be done all at one time either. It’s a slow painful process that doesn’t have to take a lot of energy. Sometimes all it takes is opening each bag and examining the contents. If it’s something you can use, then keep it. If it’s something that is just holding you back, then get rid of it. It just doesn’t make sense to hold on to anything that isn’t benefiting you as a person.

More importantly is being in the now. Enjoying the moment is the best way to leave the baggage behind. There is nothing wrong with reliving memories, but pick the nice ones, the healthy ones. Choose the ones that bring a smile to your face, not a wrinkle to your brow. Then you will find your load lightening because you are no longer weighed down by those things in your past just taking up room in your life.